Man Rules
Man Rules: What Are You Thinking?
2007.04.07 08:51
1. Don't
ask us, "What are you thinking about?" Unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as:
1. If you ask a question but you are not sure you want to hear the answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. If the answer could be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
1. When we ask you, "What's wrong?" If you reply, "Nothing." We will act like nothing is wrong. We can tell you are lying but pursuing the issue is difficult, will not end well and you just gave us social permission to ignore it by stating, "Nothing" is wrong.
- Sex: Frankly, like an animal.
- Cars: How great mine feels to drive, how they look, how to make them look a little better or how to get 20 more horsepower
- Benefits and problems of a recent rule change or phenomenal strategy in the sport we follow
- Strategies for getting to the next level on our current Video Game Obsession
- How great a steak would taste right now.
Corollary
1. If you ask a question but you are not sure you want to hear the answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Corollary
1. If the answer could be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
Corollary
1. When we ask you, "What's wrong?" If you reply, "Nothing." We will act like nothing is wrong. We can tell you are lying but pursuing the issue is difficult, will not end well and you just gave us social permission to ignore it by stating, "Nothing" is wrong.
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Calla Lilies
2007.02.06 20:39
This morning, while we prepared for the day, my wife
exclaimed, "calla lilies!"
I am not sure why calla lilies were the top solution on her very busy brain, but we needed calla lilies for the basket above the bathroom cabinet. It was not the big business problems that would face her in less than an hour. It was not the papers, case studies and other projects needed to obtain a Master's degree. It was the emptiness in the basket above our heads.
Man Rule:
1. There are two kinds of flowers in the flower shop: roses and bunches.
What the hell is a calla lily?
We discussed the "other" flowers that I might find at flower shop. She mentioned Orchids, which I knew by name and price tag. "Three! Three magnificent types of flowers! Ha, Ha Ha, Ha!"
I am not sure why calla lilies were the top solution on her very busy brain, but we needed calla lilies for the basket above the bathroom cabinet. It was not the big business problems that would face her in less than an hour. It was not the papers, case studies and other projects needed to obtain a Master's degree. It was the emptiness in the basket above our heads.
Man Rule:
1. There are two kinds of flowers in the flower shop: roses and bunches.
What the hell is a calla lily?
We discussed the "other" flowers that I might find at flower shop. She mentioned Orchids, which I knew by name and price tag. "Three! Three magnificent types of flowers! Ha, Ha Ha, Ha!"
Man Rules: Color Spectrum
2006.12.04 20:08
Man Rules: Toilet Seat
2006.11.18 13:33
1. You are a big girl, learn to work the toilet seat!
We need it up sometimes, you need it down. Why do I get the "honor" of lifting it AND dropping it? You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. It is not a woman's right to have the toilet seat up. Do you need a statistical analysis with a computer simulation model based on the labor consumed trying to meet your demands to explain it? Our man Anand Venkataraman can provide that for you.
Stop me if you heard this one. "If you ever sat on the toilet without the seat down and fell in, you would never leave it up again."
Ladies, think! I do sit down on the toilet.
It happens.
Have even done this after too much beer? Yes.
Have I done this in the middle of the night without turning the light on? Yes.
Guess what happened?
I know of what you speak. Strangely after a very few encounters, I LEARNED TO LOOK! Do you all reach the bathroom door, turn around and find the porcelain convenience ASS first? Check it! it is not that hard to look at it. Lift the lid if it needs lifting. Drop the seat if it needs dropping.
Men: for a great gag that will only cost about a week of sleeping on the couch, put the seat down. Then place a strip of toilet paper across it like the old "Sanitized for Your Protection" banner you saw in those really classy motels you stayed in as a kid! It is worth every scream, tear, slap or whatever she doles out just to catch that look of surprise and confusion on her face.
Photo courtesy sparky05's Flickr posting from the Ramada Inn.
Then we get to the unsightly argument. The girl logic goes something like: a toilet is ugly and looks slightly better with the seat down. I agree. The toilet is not the most attractive appliance in the house. Maybe that is why we keep them in tiny rooms in hidden corners of the house? If you really want to improve the look of the toilet, put the lid down.
This is the point where the argument becomes transparent as a Women's Rights issue. For aesthetic reasons the lid should also be put down. It prevents dogs from drinking and toddlers from playing. The seat and lid should be down.
Women never argue for this. Women have confessed to sitting without looking and pissed on the lid and themselves. It is not about aesthetics. It is not about fair labor. It is about women demanding a right to a more convenient toilet.
Women's Rights
We need it up sometimes, you need it down. Why do I get the "honor" of lifting it AND dropping it? You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. It is not a woman's right to have the toilet seat up. Do you need a statistical analysis with a computer simulation model based on the labor consumed trying to meet your demands to explain it? Our man Anand Venkataraman can provide that for you.
Second Plea
Stop me if you heard this one. "If you ever sat on the toilet without the seat down and fell in, you would never leave it up again."
Ladies, think! I do sit down on the toilet.
It happens.
Have even done this after too much beer? Yes.
Have I done this in the middle of the night without turning the light on? Yes.
Guess what happened?
I know of what you speak. Strangely after a very few encounters, I LEARNED TO LOOK! Do you all reach the bathroom door, turn around and find the porcelain convenience ASS first? Check it! it is not that hard to look at it. Lift the lid if it needs lifting. Drop the seat if it needs dropping.
Men: for a great gag that will only cost about a week of sleeping on the couch, put the seat down. Then place a strip of toilet paper across it like the old "Sanitized for Your Protection" banner you saw in those really classy motels you stayed in as a kid! It is worth every scream, tear, slap or whatever she doles out just to catch that look of surprise and confusion on her face.
Photo courtesy sparky05's Flickr posting from the Ramada Inn.
The Lid
Then we get to the unsightly argument. The girl logic goes something like: a toilet is ugly and looks slightly better with the seat down. I agree. The toilet is not the most attractive appliance in the house. Maybe that is why we keep them in tiny rooms in hidden corners of the house? If you really want to improve the look of the toilet, put the lid down.
This is the point where the argument becomes transparent as a Women's Rights issue. For aesthetic reasons the lid should also be put down. It prevents dogs from drinking and toddlers from playing. The seat and lid should be down.
Women never argue for this. Women have confessed to sitting without looking and pissed on the lid and themselves. It is not about aesthetics. It is not about fair labor. It is about women demanding a right to a more convenient toilet.
Man Rules: Crying
2006.11.16 20:59
Crying is Blackmail.
Use it as you would black mail. Do not over use it. Realize you are using it, even when you don't think you are using it.
"Tears of Joy" is an oxymoron. Crying is an appropriate response to pain. When someone close to you dies, a limb is severed or you got shot. Pain.
Anything else is a plot to make those around you feel guilty to get what you want.
According to the Wikipedia:
Try as you might tears will never be really understood as anything else. You might get tolerance, possibly sympathy. Anything beyond that, the black mail worked. Claim your prize and stop crying.
It has been said (by women) that crying is equally socially unacceptable as cursing (see Expletive), slamming doors or throwing things in anger (see Dammit Tool). The social grievance might be equal, but the verbal and physical violence to inanimate things is an admission of guilt. It does not demand things of others. Crying creates guilt in others or thrust it upon them. Therefore is black mail, not simply a release of emotion.
Use it as you would black mail. Do not over use it. Realize you are using it, even when you don't think you are using it.
"Tears of Joy" is an oxymoron. Crying is an appropriate response to pain. When someone close to you dies, a limb is severed or you got shot. Pain.
Anything else is a plot to make those around you feel guilty to get what you want.
According to the Wikipedia:
In many cultures, crying is associated with babies and children. Some cultures consider crying to be undignified and infantile, casting aspersion on those who cry publicly. In most cultures, it is more socially acceptable for women to cry in public than men.
An insincere display of grief or dishonest remorse is called crocodile tears, from the ancient anecdote that crocodiles would pretend to weep while luring or devouring their prey.
Try as you might tears will never be really understood as anything else. You might get tolerance, possibly sympathy. Anything beyond that, the black mail worked. Claim your prize and stop crying.
Corollary:
It has been said (by women) that crying is equally socially unacceptable as cursing (see Expletive), slamming doors or throwing things in anger (see Dammit Tool). The social grievance might be equal, but the verbal and physical violence to inanimate things is an admission of guilt. It does not demand things of others. Crying creates guilt in others or thrust it upon them. Therefore is black mail, not simply a release of emotion.
Man Rules: Mind Reading
2006.11.10 19:46
Miller has "Man Laws," Chuck provides "Guy's
Rules," I interpret, embellish and publish them
as "Man Rules."
1. Men are not Mind readers. Ask for what you want. To clarify:
This is the first Rule so let's talk about the format. All Man Rules are number 1. They are all important. It is good to be number 1. So they are.
The Rules are intended for women. Men already know these rules, this is a repository of simple explanations you can give to women that are not aware of the rules.
1. Men are not Mind readers. Ask for what you want. To clarify:
- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
This is the first Rule so let's talk about the format. All Man Rules are number 1. They are all important. It is good to be number 1. So they are.
The Rules are intended for women. Men already know these rules, this is a repository of simple explanations you can give to women that are not aware of the rules.