Man Rules: Color Spectrum

1. Men see in 16 colors. Pumpkin is a fruit, not a color!

Peach is a fruit, not a color!
Periwinkle is plant with blue flowers, not a color!
We have no idea what mauve is.
Chartreuse sound like a French curse word.

Man Rules: Toilet Seat

1. You are a big girl, learn to work the toilet seat!

Women's Rights

We need it up sometimes, you need it down. Why do I get the "honor" of lifting it AND dropping it? You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. It is not a woman's right to have the toilet seat up. Do you need a statistical analysis with a computer simulation model based on the labor consumed trying to meet your demands to explain it? Our man Anand Venkataraman can provide that for you.

Second Plea

Stop me if you heard this one. "If you ever sat on the toilet without the seat down and fell in, you would never leave it up again."

Ladies, think! I do sit down on the toilet.

It happens.

Have even done this after too much beer? Yes.

Have I done this in the middle of the night without turning the light on? Yes.

Guess what happened?

I know of what you speak. Strangely after a very few encounters, I LEARNED TO LOOK! Do you all reach the bathroom door, turn around and find the porcelain convenience ASS first? Check it! it is not that hard to look at it. Lift the lid if it needs lifting. Drop the seat if it needs dropping.

Men: for a great gag that will only cost about a week of sleeping on the couch, put the seat down. Then place a strip of toilet paper across it like the old "Sanitized for Your Protection" banner you saw in those really classy motels you stayed in as a kid! It is worth every scream, tear, slap or whatever she doles out just to catch that look of surprise and confusion on her face.

Photo courtesy sparky05's Flickr posting from the Ramada Inn.

The Lid

Then we get to the unsightly argument. The girl logic goes something like: a toilet is ugly and looks slightly better with the seat down. I agree. The toilet is not the most attractive appliance in the house. Maybe that is why we keep them in tiny rooms in hidden corners of the house? If you really want to improve the look of the toilet, put the lid down.

This is the point where the argument becomes transparent as a Women's Rights issue. For aesthetic reasons the lid should also be put down. It prevents dogs from drinking and toddlers from playing. The seat and lid should be down.

Women never argue for this. Women have confessed to sitting without looking and pissed on the lid and themselves. It is not about aesthetics. It is not about fair labor. It is about women demanding a right to a more convenient toilet.

Man Rules:Crying

1. Crying is Blackmail.

Use it as you would black mail. Do not over use it. Realize you are using it, even when you don't think you are using it.

"Tears of Joy" is an oxymoron. Crying is an appropriate response to pain. Serious Pain, like when someone close to you dies, a limb is severed or you got shot. Pain.

Anything else is a plot to make those around you feel guilty to get what you want.

According to the Wikipedia:

In many cultures, crying is associated with babies and children. Some cultures consider crying to be undignified and infantile, casting aspersion on those who cry publicly. In most cultures, it is more socially acceptable for women to cry in public than men.An insincere display of grief or dishonest remorse is called crocodile tears, from the ancient anecdote that crocodiles would pretend to weep while luring or devouring their prey.

Try as you might tears will never be really understood as anything else. You might get tolerance, possibly sympathy. Anything beyond that, the black mail worked. Claim your prize and stop crying.


It has been said (by women) that crying is equally socially unacceptable as cursing, slamming doors or throwing things in anger (see Dammit Tool). The social grievance might be equal, but the verbal and physical violence to inanimate things is an admission of guilt. It does not demand things of others. Crying creates guilt in others or thrust it upon them. Therefore is black mail, not simply a release of emotion.

Man Rules: Mind Reading

Miller has "Man Laws," Chuck provides "Guy's Rules," I interpret, embellish and publish them as "Man Rules."

1. Men are not Mind readers. Ask for what you want. To clarify: • Subtle hints do not work! • Strong hints do not work! • Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!

This is the first Rule so let's talk about the format. All Man Rules are number 1. They are all important. It is good to be number 1. So they are.

The Rules are intended for women. Men already know these rules, this is a repository of simple explanations you can give to women that are not aware of the rules.


Chuck got stuck managing an implementation of QumasDoc (now DocCompliance) at Purdue. Despite this introduction we got along just fine. Chuck likes cars. Old cars, new cars anything he can tweak a little more horsepower from, pretty much makes him happy.

Chuck is also the source of some of the best "list humor" I keep. He find lists that last. They are fun, but they don't wear out after the first reading. The latest gem is a list of definitions. Simple definitions of the function of tools. You know, stuff guys should know.

Tool Terms

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Or snap off shower necks. I broke one off and needed to get the tile removed, replace the "receiver" and retile. Ooops!

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog shit off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

NASCAR Done Rotted My Brain!

My employer launched a new product line today. Those crazy mortgage folks decided maybe with the downturn in the housing market that there might be "gold" in car insurance. They launched automobile insurance in a quicky, kitschy, silly way today.

One of the many features of this launch was decorating the cafeteria. Lots of logos and checkered flags and race cars. All things we should be associating with safe and responsible driving among our future insured!

Wait, that is not the funny part, that is just corporate life.

The funny part was inside my brain. As I was walking out of the cafeteria with my morning caffeine I passed under a piñata of a racecar. It had a number 29 on it.

So. What was the next "word" to enter my conscious thoughts?


NASCAR done rotted my brain!

Next thought?

Them colors is all wrong, someone has to update that paint!

Curse you, Jason Jones!

Zoran's Strongbad Index

I finally got the opportunity to check out Zoran's index of the StrongBad Emails*. He put the email episode on a Denny's menu and include hints and easter eggs with every episode synopsis. Puts a new light on some old fun.

*Zoran has apparently dropped his site.