Body Nazi: Sign 7

So, apparently working out is not enough. There is all the "extra cardio" that is required to lose weight. Working out causes mostly weight gain as the muscle mass increases. There is plenty of walking and running involved in extra cardio. Yes, it is a little disturbing to the sedentary folks like me. It is not shake in aisle as the spirit moves you, disturbing, but it is the same vector.

So, extra cardio is weird. More amazing is the warmup. I always heard about warming up before a work out. I can understand stretching to avoid pulling a muscle and doing damage. Apparently warming up also get you in a cardio range. So there is a treadmill and several minutes of "walking" on the habittrail. I am reaching the limits of understanding why you work out before you work out. Then she said, "yesterday, during my warm up walk. I burst into a run for the last 3 minutes. It felt great! I think I am going to do it again."

No, the trainer did not "encourage her."

No, a thief brandishing a weapons did not enter the studio and threaten them.

She just did it because it might feel good.

I am beyond my ability to comprehend.

Sixth Sign

Wow, that is a religious experience, but,

”Oh, the calories!" "I can only eat half!"

The woman I married would never consider wasting any food. It is just not possible for her to only eat half of an absolute delicacy! I have discovered comfort foods from around the valley and I get " That's great, but the calories! I can only eat half!"

I believe I could give her $3 in coins and stand her before a vending machine and she would stare for a moment before saying, "There is nothing GOOD in here!"

I brought a salad (with dressing and bacon on it) to her. She ate some of it and pushed it away! "Mmm, that was good, but... the Calories!" It is a salad! It isn't food! It is what food eats!

Fifth Sign

Sign #5

There is nothing a little exercise can't cure!

She really did utter that phrase. I am now living with a crazy woman! She was apparently feeling a little blue a few evenings ago and decided WE needed to go for a walk.

WE walked for half an hour. About 8 minutes in she announces, "Wow, I am feeling better." "I had a really rotten day and was just not happy." "Now I am up and moving and it feels great!"

"You know, there is nothing a little exercise can't cure!"

Without thinking a muttered something like, "Cancer!" "I bet exercise doesn't do a damn thing to cure cancer!" Then I thought, "Paralysis, hell I bet you can't even exercise, how could it cure it?"

Wow, I am a pessimist.

Fourth Sign

Sign #4

My health food is too fattening.

My trainer recommends < insert brand here > , it has less sugar and fat than the healthy, crunchy nearly indigestible stuff I have asked you to join me in eating. It is very similar, but not as sweet.

If I am chewing and grinding up cereal that resembles the stuff I formerly considered to be the shell, not the nut then DO NOT take away the sweet reward!

Third Sign, Technology Hook

My wife informs me,

”the heart rate monitor is an essential tool in maintaining an aerobic workout.”

Which I kind of understand. Aerobic workouts are entirely defined by maintaining your heart rate in a target zone for a period of time. This is stuff we have know since Jane Fonda sold VHS tapes.

I am expecting a wristwatch that takes your pulse. Maximum logic might include 2 beeps if your heart rate is too high, 1 for too low, not working hard enough. I seriously underestimated.

This is the most insidious sign so far. Cue the "Imperial March" for this one.

The Sensor

It comes with a sensor. A wireless data transmitting device. Say it with me, Sensor.

See, now I have the attention of all my technolusting, Gizmodo and Engadget reading IT brethren. Sensor? How does that work? Well, it gets strapped to your chest so it can sense heart beats and transmit an RF signal. It runs off a watch battery both to transmit and apparently to sense the heart. The Velcro® connector must be wetted for proper function, so they must be sending some current across the length of the strap.

The signal is picked up by the wrist watch receiver. Apparently, taking the pulse at the wrist doesn't work very well. Maybe there is something more to this, though. The signal is also picked up by the treadmill at the studio. So the sensor feeds a vast array of fitness related equipment.

The Receiver

The receivers can be programmed to emit the aforementioned beeps I suspected according to your personal workout profile. Using software on your PC (yes, PC only, us Mac guys get screwed again) you enter your height, weight, sex and desired fitness level. Then you get emails from 1000's of horny guys from around the globe. Oh, wait that is another kind of website.

The target heart rate and length of your workout get calculated and sent to the watch (or treadmill or whatever). Yes, calculated. It knows about warming up and cooling off periods. This little watch thingy packs more power than my old Zaurus. You can also send little block pixel "backgrounds" to your watch in case you miss your old Tamagotchi.

The data is not send with a cable. It does not employ Blue Tooth® or utilize any 802.x communication. No, not IR. It uses a Sonic Modem. A what?

The Sonic Modem

Here is a low tech, low speed, completely hackersmack way to transmit data. The watch has a microphone and a piezo electric speaker. The PC must have a speaker and a microphone. You guessed it, they screech at each other just like good old analog dial up. When computers were fun. When you were sure that if you listened well and trained your ears you could understand the computer's audible language.

After your work out the data recorded by the watch (treadmill) can be uploaded to the Polar website. Why I would ever want to post my poor performance to everyone on the planet I am not sure.

The Invitation

So the insidious part comes via invitation. Her personal trainer invited me to come in and see the equipment. I can check out all the sensors transmitting, fitness equipment recording, internet uploading and get a free Personal Fitness Report.

A what? Well, they have a machine that will measure my lean mass as a percentage of my overall mass combined with a short run on the treadmill with the sensor we can determine the exact amount of pure flab. Wow. I was still doing the "pinch test!" Boy, am I out of the loop. Of course with all this applied technology they can upload to the internet and all of you can know just how fat I have become. Given the new fame of my fatness I will probably be motivated to work it off at the studio. "Feel the power of the Dark Side!"

Second Sign

When you buy protein shakes.

You couldn't pay me to drink these things. They make a mess out of all the glasses and shakers and anything else she can find to mix in while scrambling out the door to make her work out appointment.

And forget the jokes about "I got yer protein shake right here!" That just gets you slugged. AND with all the working out, getting slugged hurts now.

10 Signs You Are A Body Nazi

My wife is losing weight. She is very serious about this process and is making the commitments of time, money and energy to accomplish her goals.

We have always been on the slothful end of the spectrum. Well, I have always been on the slothful end, anyway. I am therefore keenly aware of the small changes in her attitude and outlook that accompany changes in diet and exercise. I am unsure if it is inherent in the process or just an attitude you acquire by working out with other fitness freaks, diet dealers and iron pumpers.

Sign #1

”My personal trainer said..."

First thing is having a personal trainer. I would not even know where to find one. I am very sure I don't know where they work.

I am a life long geek. I used to get beat up at recess by guys who become personal trainers. My only defense mechanism is to consider them to be less intelligent than me. Therefore following the advice of someone I consider less intelligent just doesn't make sense. I (the sloth) would never utter the words, "My personal trainer said..."